my phone needs a breathalizer
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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