Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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