I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
