You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
