$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
two words...techno handjob
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
