you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
