Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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