i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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