Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
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