Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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