1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Don't make out with my wife yet
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
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I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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