I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
