Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
