spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
