when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
