$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
