Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
