my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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