i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
