Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
should my penis look like a turkey
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
