Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
