So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
