I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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