eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
