he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
