i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
