Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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