I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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