Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
