You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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