You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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