Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
