4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Semen is not good for contacts.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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