If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
