That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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