im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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