Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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