I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
