I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
