I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
