my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
