u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
