I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
