Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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