I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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