I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
