I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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