I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
