apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
