I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
