i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
