Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
