My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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