I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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