You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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