I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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