Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
